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Surviving A Narcissist

What’s the most fun way to exercise?

Riding a bike

Author: melindafaye77

  • What’s the most fun way to exercise?

    Riding a bike

  • No where Felt Like Home

    Saddened by the fact I was never enough, I fell into a deep depression. Anytime I was alone I cried. I longed for the feeling of “Home.” This is something we often forget is so important. That comfort, that feeling of safety and security. I was now forced to live with circumstances that compromised my integrity and honestly I felt like a fool. Anytime I spoke up and voiced my displeasure of anything, it started a war. Awful arguments that lasted for days, sometimes weeks with me sleeping in my car, just for voicing anything that I found to be disrespectful or wrong. I know it was not the way I wanted to live. At the time though, I honestly felt like I had no choice in the matter. I didn’t understand why Jacob couldn’t just love me and only me. What was so wrong with me that I wasn’t enough?

  • Maria

    Where do I start? Maria is Jacobs brothers ex girlfriend. Disgusting I think but somehow she enjoyed living like a soap opera character. Jacob was her landscaper, much to my protest. She was the subject of all our disagreements back then. Jacob didn’t or refused to understand that of all people, she was off limits. Even if it was just cutting her grass. Maria on the other hand enjoyed making my life hell. I’m not sure as to why I didn’t put more effort into stopping all the non sense. I honestly felt like it wasn’t my job to, that it was Jacobs. He had no intention of stopping anything. Her friendship meant more to him than I did, he proved that over and over. That level of disrespect breaks you in a different way. No one’s fault but my own though. She would send me screenshots of conversations every time she contacted me too. It would show pieces of their conversation in which were completely inappropriate and it led me to believe that the cheating was still continuing. When confronted though, with evidence, Jacob always denies any further involvement. Lies of course, I have screenshots of that or those conversations as well. Whatever the case maybe, I felt like my boyfriend wasn’t my boyfriend at all. He was more into her than he was me. He didn’t try hard to hide it either. It wasn’t the kind of situation you want to experience so soon after moving in with someone. So far the first 90 days of living together was the worst 90 days of my life. He fed my ex fiancé’s family a bunch of false information and that information got me homeless. Then he moved me in just to flaunt Maria in my face and gas light me relentlessly. It was almost too much to take.. I found myself praying each night for God to have mercy on me and to please just let me die. To this day he still lies. He refuses to believe that I know. He refuses to call her out on what she claims happened. He refuses to look at the screenshots she sent. He refuses to give me closure.

  • Moving In

    Well, June 1 was the day I had no choice but to move in with Jacob. I was extremely anxious but excited at the same time. Deep down, I had this idea that all of our issues would be magically fixed by us living together. I also thought that I wouldn’t have to worry about him cheating again if we were together all the time. The first few weeks flew by pretty quickly. We worked on our first home remodel project together. It turned out to look really nice. I did, however, start picking up on some inconsistencies. I later discovered that he was still in contact with Maria, the woman he cheated on me with. He reassured me that it was simply for business purposes only, but whatever the case was, it did not sit well with me. It bothered me so badly that it started to affect my work performance. I tried talking to Jacob about this, but instead of the issue being resolved, it only got worse. Soon it became so bad that I was being called to the office often and questioned about my work performance. One time, Maria even messaged me and, in a very taunting way, let me know that she and Jacob talked quite often and that there was nothing I could do about it. She sent a few screenshots of their conversations as proof, and as I studied the pictures she sent, I noticed that he talked really badly about me to her. I also knew that most cheaters played victim for many reasons. He always denied everything. Things were not getting better at all. He was flaunting the woman he cheated with in front of my face and lying to me about it like I was an idiot.

  • When Is Enough, Enough?

    As I’m trying desperately to keep myself together and not let anyone see how broken I feel, a letter came in the mail from a lawyer. Apparently, Shaun’s family was seeking legal action against me and wanted me out of the home that Shaun had signed over to me prior to his passing. I had been out of work for the past two weeks; I couldn’t afford to hire an attorney. Why now, I wondered? Here it was the beginning of May and Shaun had passed away in October. I read the letter again, trying to make sure I understood it when I realized that Jacob’s previous threats several weeks ago were coming to light. During an argument, he had threatened to tell Shaun’s brother that I had forged the signature on the house deed. That was a lie of course but I had voiced my concern to Shaun when he brought me the papers to file, that his signature didn’t look authentic. He looked at me like he was annoyed and reminded me that he was recovering from a stroke he had just had. The only reason it was even mentioned to Jacob, was he had asked out of concern if we had to move out due to Shaun’s death. All that was beside the point. I sat there staring at the letter, dialed Jacobs number and asked him “What have you done?”

  • It Was Payback, But For Who?

    I felt numb, like I had been punched in the gut. Why wouldn’t he just break up with me? Who goes and cheats on someone for having Covid? It’s not as if I purposely contracted the virus. Jacob acted like everything was my fault. I hadn’t given him the attention he needed or required. I felt like I had a pretty darn good excuse but then, he felt like he had a good reason for cheating. The reason being he was paying his ex back for running off and sleeping with his brother 16 years ago. I’m sure neither of them cared but that was his excuse.

  • The Pain of Betrayal: Lessons Learned

    Well it wasn’t exactly our one year anniversary but it was close enough. I pulled up to Jacob’s cousins house and stepped out of my vehicle. It was hot day already. The sun was shining so brightly. The first thing I noticed when walking up, was the fact he was wearing multiple layers of clothing. I barely got the question out of my mouth, “Aren’t you hot?” When I saw them. Standing there frozen, I felt my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. Why did he call me over there? What kind of evil person did this? All across his neck were hickies. None of which were from me. After a roller coaster year together, I’d never felt so unstable and unsure about anyone. I cried all the way home. Cried so hard I had to pull my car over. I get sick and what did it get me? Cheated on. Oh it gets better, later that night, he sent me a picture of the two of them together. What kind of person does that?

  • Our First Year Anniversary

    Our anniversary came in May. I was barely getting over having Covid. I missed him. We hadn’t spent much time together due to me being sick. I was bored and lonely, isolating myself in my bedroom in hopes of not spreading the virus to my kids. My son’s prom was coming up. I was so excited about these memories he was creating. I couldn’t believe he was about to graduate high school. The day came that I was cleared by the doctor and freedom never felt so wonderful. I had so much to do, for starters take my son to get a tuxedo for his upcoming prom. I met Jacob for a late lunch at Dickies barbecue and afterwards he asked me to meet him at his house. I declined stating I needed to pick my son up from school and head to the mall for a tuxedo. He was disappointed naturally but I didn’t think too much of it, I just figured we could meet up later on that night. I spent the next few days being ghosted. Something that I’d come to expect every time he didn’t get his way about something. It usually lasted anywhere from a few days to a week at most. This time it was a week before he called me to come see him at his cousins house. He was there mowing her yard. I got in my car and headed that way. What I seen next will forever be etched into my mind. That was the day my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces and I haven’t ever been the same since.

  • Facebook

    In the beginning of a new relationship it’s common to be hesitant about posting your relationship on social media. Most want to make sure solid before making that leap. Well that was not the case with Jacob. Months went by and he always had an excuse or a reason to keep me off his Facebook. The most popular one being that we did post our relationship on Facebook but after an argument, I hastily blocked him. Yes it was true, but other factors lead me into believing that Facebook was yet another way to control and manipulate me. I noticed that the picture I posted on his timeline showed the settings symbol, meaning he chose his audience. I asked a friend to look on her Facebook and see if she could see it and she replied with a No, there was no sign of me anywhere on his Facebook. So naturally I brought that to his attention and it started a fight. I didn’t realize back then that an argument would start every time I had an issue with something he said or did. After a year of being together, I still was not on his social media.

  • Title: Breaking Free: Understanding and Overcoming Trauma Bonds

    We often hear about how vital bonds and attachments are for healthy relationships. However, not all bonds are created equal. Enter the trauma bond—a complex and often destructive attachment that can leave individuals feeling trapped and powerless. Understanding trauma bonds is crucial for recognizing the signs, breaking free, and healing.

    What is a Trauma Bond?

    A trauma bond is an intense emotional attachment that forms between individuals in an abusive or toxic relationship. This bond is often seen in relationships where there is a power imbalance, and one person exerts control or manipulation over the other. Despite the abuse, the victim may feel a deep connection, loyalty, or even love for the abuser, making it extremely difficult to leave the relationship.

    How Trauma Bonds Form

    1. Intermittent Reinforcement: Abusive relationships often involve cycles of punishment and reward. Scenarios where an abuser occasionally shows affection or kindness, followed by periods of abuse, create a powerful psychological grip. This back-and-forth can leave the victim constantly seeking approval or the next “good” moment, similar to gambling’s unpredictable nature.
    2. Dependency: The abuser often creates an environment where the victim becomes dependent on them, emotionally or financially. This dependency can amplify feelings of helplessness and belief that the relationship is essential for survival.
    3. Fear and Isolation: Abusers may isolate their victims from friends and family or use threats to instill fear. The resulting lack of external support can deepen the trauma bond, making the victim more reliant on the abuser as their sole support system.
    4. Cognitive Dissonance: Victims may experience cognitive dissonance, holding conflicting beliefs about their abuser. They may recognize the abuse but simultaneously believe the abuser will change or that they “deserve” the mistreatment.

    Recognizing Signs of a Trauma Bond

    • Rationalizing Abusive Behavior: Justifying or downplaying the abuser’s actions.
    • Feeling Stuck or Trapped: Believing that leaving the relationship is impossible or undeserved.
    • Constantly Seeking Approval: Dependence on the abuser’s validation or approval.
    • Returning to the Abuser: Despite attempts to leave, feeling drawn back to the relationship repetitively.
    • Feeling Guilty for Thinking About Leaving: Fear or guilt about considering breaking the bond.

    Breaking Free from a Trauma Bond

    1. Acknowledge the Reality: Acceptance is the first step. Recognizing the existence of the trauma bond and understanding the cycle of abuse is crucial.
    2. Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professional counselors. Building a support network is essential for gaining perspective and strength.
    3. Therapeutic Interventions: Therapy, especially trauma-informed approaches or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can help unravel the complexities of trauma bonds and develop healthier coping strategies.
    4. Establish Boundaries: Learning to assert boundaries and detach emotionally can diminish the abuser’s control over the victim.
    5. Practice Self-care and Self-compassion: Rebuilding self-esteem through self-care, self-compassion, and affirmations can empower victims to realize their worth beyond the relationship.
    6. Educate Yourself: Understanding the dynamics of trauma bonds and the psychology behind them can demystify the emotions involved and instill confidence in making empowered decisions.

    Moving Forward

    Breaking a trauma bond is challenging, but it’s a journey towards reclaiming personal freedom and healing. As you move forward, remember that it’s okay to seek help, take small steps, and prioritize your well-being. With time, patience, and support, it’s possible to break free and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

    If you or someone you know is experiencing signs of a trauma bond, reaching out to mental health professionals or support groups can be a crucial step towards healing and recovery.

    *While trauma bonds can be daunting, knowledge and support can transform lives. Let’s continue to raise awareness and empower individuals in breaking