Category: Narcissist

Saddened by the fact I was never enough, I fell into a deep depression. Anytime I was alone I cried. I longed for the feeling of “Home.” This is something we often forget is so important. That comfort, that feeling of safety and security. I was now forced to live with circumstances that compromised my integrity and honestly I felt like a fool. Anytime I spoke up and voiced my displeasure of anything, it started a war. Awful arguments that lasted for days, sometimes weeks with me sleeping in my car, just for voicing anything that I found to be disrespectful or wrong. I know it was not the way I wanted to live. At the time though, I honestly felt like I had no choice in the matter. I didn’t understand why Jacob couldn’t just love me and only me. What was so wrong with me that I wasn’t enough?

Where do I start? Maria is Jacobs brothers ex girlfriend. Disgusting I think but somehow she enjoyed living like a soap opera character. Jacob was her landscaper, much to my protest. She was the subject of all our disagreements back then. Jacob didn’t or refused to understand that of all people, she was off limits. Even if it was just cutting her grass. Maria on the other hand enjoyed making my life hell. I’m not sure as to why I didn’t put more effort into stopping all the non sense. I honestly felt like it wasn’t my job to, that it was Jacobs. He had no intention of stopping anything. Her friendship meant more to him than I did, he proved that over and over. That level of disrespect breaks you in a different way. No one’s fault but my own though. She would send me screenshots of conversations every time she contacted me too. It would show pieces of their conversation in which were completely inappropriate and it led me to believe that the cheating was still continuing. When confronted though, with evidence, Jacob always denies any further involvement. Lies of course, I have screenshots of that or those conversations as well. Whatever the case maybe, I felt like my boyfriend wasn’t my boyfriend at all. He was more into her than he was me. He didn’t try hard to hide it either. It wasn’t the kind of situation you want to experience so soon after moving in with someone. So far the first 90 days of living together was the worst 90 days of my life. He fed my ex fiancé’s family a bunch of false information and that information got me homeless. Then he moved me in just to flaunt Maria in my face and gas light me relentlessly. It was almost too much to take.. I found myself praying each night for God to have mercy on me and to please just let me die. To this day he still lies. He refuses to believe that I know. He refuses to call her out on what she claims happened. He refuses to look at the screenshots she sent. He refuses to give me closure.

Well, June 1 was the day I had no choice but to move in with Jacob. I was extremely anxious but excited at the same time. Deep down, I had this idea that all of our issues would be magically fixed by us living together. I also thought that I wouldn’t have to worry about him cheating again if we were together all the time. The first few weeks flew by pretty quickly. We worked on our first home remodel project together. It turned out to look really nice. I did, however, start picking up on some inconsistencies. I later discovered that he was still in contact with Maria, the woman he cheated on me with. He reassured me that it was simply for business purposes only, but whatever the case was, it did not sit well with me. It bothered me so badly that it started to affect my work performance. I tried talking to Jacob about this, but instead of the issue being resolved, it only got worse. Soon it became so bad that I was being called to the office often and questioned about my work performance. One time, Maria even messaged me and, in a very taunting way, let me know that she and Jacob talked quite often and that there was nothing I could do about it. She sent a few screenshots of their conversations as proof, and as I studied the pictures she sent, I noticed that he talked really badly about me to her. I also knew that most cheaters played victim for many reasons. He always denied everything. Things were not getting better at all. He was flaunting the woman he cheated with in front of my face and lying to me about it like I was an idiot.

As I’m trying desperately to keep myself together and not let anyone see how broken I feel, a letter came in the mail from a lawyer. Apparently, Shaun’s family was seeking legal action against me and wanted me out of the home that Shaun had signed over to me prior to his passing. I had been out of work for the past two weeks; I couldn’t afford to hire an attorney. Why now, I wondered? Here it was the beginning of May and Shaun had passed away in October. I read the letter again, trying to make sure I understood it when I realized that Jacob’s previous threats several weeks ago were coming to light. During an argument, he had threatened to tell Shaun’s brother that I had forged the signature on the house deed. That was a lie of course but I had voiced my concern to Shaun when he brought me the papers to file, that his signature didn’t look authentic. He looked at me like he was annoyed and reminded me that he was recovering from a stroke he had just had. The only reason it was even mentioned to Jacob, was he had asked out of concern if we had to move out due to Shaun’s death. All that was beside the point. I sat there staring at the letter, dialed Jacobs number and asked him “What have you done?”